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themadpokerHere is a story. Once upon a time, a little lj blogger named themadpoker decided she wanted to explore some of this romance business she'd always heard so much about. She thought over what she would do very carefully and visited the Smart Bitches, Trashy Books website. Per their recommendations she picked up Loretta Chase's Lord of Scoundrels.
Then she ignored it for a few weeks because it was a romance novel and she had the entire first season of Heroes to watch. Priorities, people.
Eventually one night, she decided to read the prologue. As a bit of a bedtime story.
This book reminded me of High School Musical 2! Every few pages I found something that caused me utter GLEE.
I will give you an example. The main character Dain (who I have SO much to squee about, but just wait a minute) has a friend named Esmond. Esmond is lovely. He is angelic. Dain says so himself. Dain also has a demon/angel hell/heaven fixation but nevertheless I think we can take it as given that Esmond is an Attractive Dude.
SO DO I DAIN, SO DO I. Or more accurately I find the situation awesome; want an entire book about those three, and grinned because you totally WOULD be maliciously amused at the whole thing.
It's a pity Beaumont turned out to be Made of Skeevy Evil because I wrote half a book in my head based off those lines.
Anyways, let's talk about Dain! He is a Sensitive Soul and reacts to people telling him he is ugly (which they do! Alot! Many people in this novel are utterly blind, apparently) with a mixture of 'SCREW YOU VERY MUCH" and 'Here are my fists. Fist, meet YOUR FACE".
This approach wins him a retinue of devoted sycophants and troublemakers. You can't really call any of Dain's crowd friends. I mean come on, they got him a prostitute for his thirteenth birthday. And they made HIM pay. :/ Not on dudes, not on.
So anyways, the constant insults and looks of revulsion (some of which were probably hidden lust; Dain is TERRIBLE at assessing people's feelings. We'll talk about this later with regards to Jessica, the heroine) have made Dain decide that gentlewomen; they are The Suck and he'll stick to prostitutes, thank you very much, who take your money, don't bother with all that emotional stuff and have done with it. He is FINE and he has a REPUTATION to maintain so he'd appreciate it if Jessica Trent could stop inducing lust and rage in him, causing him to look like a 'lovestruck fop'. Jessica is a Tricksy Wily Woman indeed; she is dead set on his UTTER HUMILIATION.
Meanwhile Jessica is like 'Oh Dear God, Dain is Mindblowingly Hot. But Evil and Uncaring of Others! I must save my brother from his mercenary clutches!' (Which reminds me, what happened to Bertie? D= I got all caught up in the romantic plot and I didn't realize he disappeared. I liked him; he wasn't very bright but I'm sure he meant well!)
So they set up a game of oneupsmanship which is hilarious and displays that they can both be stupid in their own ways, and really probably oughtn't be criticizing Bertie for his lack of brains quite so much. It goes like this.
DAIN: -takes off her glove in a public area- Aha! What do you say to that Trent? I am a notorious rake, if I like, your reputation could be utterly ruined!
JESSICA: Oh you think so, do you? Well perhaps it is YOUR reputation which shall be ruined! Might I remind you, I am a respectable woman? They kind you have sworn never to pursue? All Paris will think you have succumbed to my charms!
DAIN: Oh REALLY? Well then, watch as I seduce and have you at a party!
JESSICA: Then I will come to your house and SHOOT YOU, thus salvaging my reputation!
DAIN: Well then, I WILL MARRY YOU.
ME: ...Wait what?
JESSICA: Then I will ACCEPT! Take that!
They're married right? You'd think the troubles would be over. You would be hilariously wrong.
Dain is still fixated on the whole 'I am a monster! A devil! Beelzebub himself!' idea. Considering he is utterly in love with Jessica (he's not calling it that, but dude, we can read. When you are all swoony over a single kiss - or as you yourself notice, getting to see a bit of unclothed wrist - you are deep deep into Infatuated, Besotted, Crushing Like a 12 Year Old Girl Territory) this poses a problem. Here, look:
So he reacts in the calm, rational manner we've come to expect from him; he does everything he can possibly think of to avoid sleeping with his wife. This includes but is not limited to getting dead drunk on his wedding night and deciding to go off on a three day trip to watch a wrestling match with one of his Not Friends.
Jessica is naturally, quite peeved. She was under the impression that Getting Married would mean she could retire the Clue Hammer. This is obviously untrue, Dain's head is in as much need of a good wallop as ever. Progress is slow and frustrating over the next few pages but is helped enormously by her determination to finally get some, come hell or high water.
Variations on this theme succeed in seducing Dain into her bed. The use of common sense, compassion, and very small words prove to have further success in dealing with his other bits of trauma (he is allergic to his kid. It is ugly and hideous just like he is. He will not PERMIT such a freakish creature within his house! Yes, of course Dain has self-hatred issues, did you not notice the bit where he identifies as the DEVIL?)
All of this and the romantic pet names. Of course I love this book.
Then she ignored it for a few weeks because it was a romance novel and she had the entire first season of Heroes to watch. Priorities, people.
Eventually one night, she decided to read the prologue. As a bit of a bedtime story.
This book reminded me of High School Musical 2! Every few pages I found something that caused me utter GLEE.
I will give you an example. The main character Dain (who I have SO much to squee about, but just wait a minute) has a friend named Esmond. Esmond is lovely. He is angelic. Dain says so himself. Dain also has a demon/angel hell/heaven fixation but nevertheless I think we can take it as given that Esmond is an Attractive Dude.
When he'd first introduced them a week earlier, Beaumont had laughingly suggested that they asked his wife, who was an artist, to paint them together. "She could title it Heaven and Hell," he'd said.
Beaumont wanted Esmond very badly. Esmond wanted Beaumont's wife. And she didn't want anybody.
Dain found the situation deliciously amusing.
SO DO I DAIN, SO DO I. Or more accurately I find the situation awesome; want an entire book about those three, and grinned because you totally WOULD be maliciously amused at the whole thing.
It's a pity Beaumont turned out to be Made of Skeevy Evil because I wrote half a book in my head based off those lines.
Anyways, let's talk about Dain! He is a Sensitive Soul and reacts to people telling him he is ugly (which they do! Alot! Many people in this novel are utterly blind, apparently) with a mixture of 'SCREW YOU VERY MUCH" and 'Here are my fists. Fist, meet YOUR FACE".
This approach wins him a retinue of devoted sycophants and troublemakers. You can't really call any of Dain's crowd friends. I mean come on, they got him a prostitute for his thirteenth birthday. And they made HIM pay. :/ Not on dudes, not on.
So anyways, the constant insults and looks of revulsion (some of which were probably hidden lust; Dain is TERRIBLE at assessing people's feelings. We'll talk about this later with regards to Jessica, the heroine) have made Dain decide that gentlewomen; they are The Suck and he'll stick to prostitutes, thank you very much, who take your money, don't bother with all that emotional stuff and have done with it. He is FINE and he has a REPUTATION to maintain so he'd appreciate it if Jessica Trent could stop inducing lust and rage in him, causing him to look like a 'lovestruck fop'. Jessica is a Tricksy Wily Woman indeed; she is dead set on his UTTER HUMILIATION.
Meanwhile Jessica is like 'Oh Dear God, Dain is Mindblowingly Hot. But Evil and Uncaring of Others! I must save my brother from his mercenary clutches!' (Which reminds me, what happened to Bertie? D= I got all caught up in the romantic plot and I didn't realize he disappeared. I liked him; he wasn't very bright but I'm sure he meant well!)
So they set up a game of oneupsmanship which is hilarious and displays that they can both be stupid in their own ways, and really probably oughtn't be criticizing Bertie for his lack of brains quite so much. It goes like this.
DAIN: -takes off her glove in a public area- Aha! What do you say to that Trent? I am a notorious rake, if I like, your reputation could be utterly ruined!
JESSICA: Oh you think so, do you? Well perhaps it is YOUR reputation which shall be ruined! Might I remind you, I am a respectable woman? They kind you have sworn never to pursue? All Paris will think you have succumbed to my charms!
DAIN: Oh REALLY? Well then, watch as I seduce and have you at a party!
JESSICA: Then I will come to your house and SHOOT YOU, thus salvaging my reputation!
DAIN: Well then, I WILL MARRY YOU.
ME: ...Wait what?
JESSICA: Then I will ACCEPT! Take that!
They're married right? You'd think the troubles would be over. You would be hilariously wrong.
Dain is still fixated on the whole 'I am a monster! A devil! Beelzebub himself!' idea. Considering he is utterly in love with Jessica (he's not calling it that, but dude, we can read. When you are all swoony over a single kiss - or as you yourself notice, getting to see a bit of unclothed wrist - you are deep deep into Infatuated, Besotted, Crushing Like a 12 Year Old Girl Territory) this poses a problem. Here, look:
What the Bane and Blight of the Ballisters was, at the moment, was terrified.
Of his wedding night.
...
Hw would crush her. He would break something, tear something. And if he somehow managed not to kill her and if the experience did not turn her into a babbling lunatic, she would run away screaming if he ever tried to touch her again.
So he reacts in the calm, rational manner we've come to expect from him; he does everything he can possibly think of to avoid sleeping with his wife. This includes but is not limited to getting dead drunk on his wedding night and deciding to go off on a three day trip to watch a wrestling match with one of his Not Friends.
Jessica is naturally, quite peeved. She was under the impression that Getting Married would mean she could retire the Clue Hammer. This is obviously untrue, Dain's head is in as much need of a good wallop as ever. Progress is slow and frustrating over the next few pages but is helped enormously by her determination to finally get some, come hell or high water.
"Marriage requires adjustments," she said. "If it's a tart you want, I must act like one."
Variations on this theme succeed in seducing Dain into her bed. The use of common sense, compassion, and very small words prove to have further success in dealing with his other bits of trauma (he is allergic to his kid. It is ugly and hideous just like he is. He will not PERMIT such a freakish creature within his house! Yes, of course Dain has self-hatred issues, did you not notice the bit where he identifies as the DEVIL?)
All of this and the romantic pet names. Of course I love this book.
"I love these pet names," she said, gazing soulfully up into his eyes. "Nitwit. Sapskull. Termagant. How they make my heart flutter!"
