Breaking Dawn: Chapter 21 to whenever my brother comes home

[themadpoker]

Blahblahblah, Bella runs epically, jumps epically, and shows epic control over her bloodlust. All of it barefoot in a lovely ice blue dress with the slits up the side (you think I'm kidding don't you? Ha. I wish). The readers laugh at Bella Sue's ever so amusing antics.

In order to keep from crying.

"Jacob isn't suffering," he said in a strange new tone. "Though I might be willing to change his condition," Edward added through his teeth.

Ahahaha. Eddie C is already playing overprotective daddy two days after his daughter was born. Of course she is a Super Monsterbaby capable of communicating (and growing hair! and teeth!) upon birth so I understand that his behavioural patterns may have been accelerated. Plus we all knew he was psychotically controlling/protective from Eclipse anyways.

The stranger-child in Rosalie's arms had to be weeks, if not months, old. She was maybe twice the size of the baby in my dim memory, and she seemed to be supporting her own torso easily as she stretched toward me. Her shiny bronze-colored hair fell in ringlets past her shoulders. Her chocolate brown eyes examined me with an interest that was not at all childlike; it was adult, aware and intelligent. She raised one hand, reaching in my direction for a moment, and then reached back to touch Rosalie's throat.

That was just to prove I was not exaggerating about the impossibility of Super Monsterbaby. Remember: two days old.

I am mentally censoring the Twilight nicknames by the way. Just so you know. In my head no one has ever called Jasper Jazz ever. That would be stupid. And no one would be silly enough to nickname Emmett Em (I swear I actually started trying to remember if there was a Twilight character named Emily I'd forgotten about. My brain couldn't process it).

"C'mon, Bells! Nessie likes me, too," he insisted.

I froze. My breathing stopped. Behind me, I heard the lack of sound that was their anxious reaction.

"What... did you call her?"

Jacob took a step farther back, managing to look sheepish. "Well," he mumbled, "that name you came up with is kind of a mouthful and —"

"You nicknamed my daughter after the Loch Ness Monster?" I screeched.

And then I lunged for his throat.

I enjoyed that. =D

"We really have to leave, don't we?" I asked. "For a while, at the very least. Pretend we're in Atlanta or something."

I could feel Edward's gaze locked on my face, but I looked at Jasper. He was the one who answered me in a grave tone.

"Yes. It's the only way to protect your father."

I brooded for a moment. "I'm going to miss him so much. I'll miss everyone here."

I kind of want to throw a brick at Bella. I know it wouldn't hurt her now that she's in her Super Special Vampire mode but it would make me feel better. Because, seriously she's expressing regrets now? When Edward spent three books trying to point out all that she would be giving up if she tried to become a vampire? When the whole POINT of Eclipse was that she was selfishly choosing to go for it anyways? YOU DON'T GET TO WHINE NOW BELLA.

Another thought! Since Super Monsterbaby is growing so quickly does this mean she'll look like an old woman by the time she's eight? Will she die early leaving everyone to grieve? Or will Meyer go the Sue route and have her stop at 18 or some other appropriately bee-yo-ti-ful age? No prizes for guessing right on this one.

Hey, they realized the problem too! =O I didn't actually think Meyer would acknowledge it.

"He'll be back," Edward said, whether to me or Renesmee, I wasn't sure. "He just needs a moment alone to readjust his perspective on life." There was a grin threatening at the corners of his mouth.

Another human memory —Edward telling me that Jasper would feel better about himself if I "had a hard time adjusting" to being a vampire. This was in the context of a discussion about how many people I would kill my first newborn year.

You know what Eddie C? You suck. I am going in to Breaking Dawn with very little compassion and even I can see why this might make Jasper a little upset. I mean he's been struggling so hard with his bloodlust and then in twirls in Bella Sue with her super special vampire powers and her ability to never ever have any real problems with anything. I would be a little upset too.

For the first time, I understood how Edward had been able to watch me sleep night after boring night, just to hear me talk in my sleep. I could watch Renesmee dream forever.

Stalkerishness is a vampire trait y/y? =D

If Meyer just implied that Rosalie and Emmett had near constant sex for ten years I am never ever going to stop laughing.

"Denim has its own scent just like anything else. Now... stretch cotton?"

I can't figure out if Meyer has a sense of humour or if she's really this ridiculous. I'm leaning to the first because she writes her werewolves with senses of humour; hence she must posess one herself. And I can't imagine anyone writing a vampire sniffing out appropriate clothing with a straight face.

Batman! Batman shows up in BD! I am pleased like a pleased pleased thing!

The Charlie thing is kind of the ultimate cop-out. :/ If it were me I'd want to know every last detail, regardless of how world-shaking they might be. I mean, she's his daughter.

I could see it in his face —I could watch it growing there. Charlie was just as helpless against her magic as the rest of us. Two seconds in his arms, and already she owned him.

I am gaining more and more proof for my Renesmee theory by the minute.

"Okay, Emmett. I win, and you cannot say one more word about my sex life to anyone, not even Rose. No allusions, no innuendos —no nothing."

Why? Bella, Emmett has grasped a fundamental concept here: the absolute need to use humor to overcome the failing aspects of Breaking Dawn. I will phrase this in simple language for you: why you gotta harsh his mellow?

I knew Quil and Embry would join Jacob's pack! Knew it! =D

And they also love Renesmee. I'm telling you guys, her vampire power is inducing obsession love.

Meyer needs a better editor. And no I'm not talking about the plot, she keeps using the wrong tense. Or maybe the e-book I'm reading isn't the final version. :/

Comments

[missykitty0115.livejournal.com]

I have a feeling the version you're reading is the final version and SMeyer just fails with grammar. I'd like to know how her editor let her get away with the whole freaking book! And to think, I haven't even read it yet. o_o;;

Although I was at the mall yesterday and ran to the book store only to pick up BD, turn to page 742, gag after reading, "Happily Ever After" as the chapter title, and proceed to read the epilouge outloud. >D ...then I got bored and skipped to the last page and feel the urge to headdesk when I read the last sentence was, "Forever and forever and forever." BECAUSE THAT. ISN'T. A. SENTENCE.

[themadpoker.livejournal.com]

I think maybe he/she just threw his/her hands up into the air and said forget it. The Twihards will all buy it anyways. It is just not worth the headache.

[oriontyne.livejournal.com]

"You nicknamed my daughter after the Loch Ness Monster?"

I think he did her a favor...

[themadpoker.livejournal.com]

I think she took naming tips from JK Rowling. I imagine the conversation went something like this.

'So, JK 'sup? 'S nice here in famous author land isn't it?'
-sips her lemonade and looks out from underneath $100 shades- 'Yup.'
'So yeah, I'm here for advice. Because, y'know, everyone's been saying Twilight's the new Harry Potter and I thought who better, right?'
'...It's not. But advice, I will give it.'
'So - and this is totally secret okay, think Potter style security - in my next book I'm thinking I want babies. Y'know? Kind of like how you showed the next generation in your epilogue. I really enjoyed by the way.'
'Thank you. I did too.'
'Cool. So yeah, babies rule, but I was thinking what do I name her? I'm having some difficulty here.'
'Why not take two names from characters your mother-to-be is really close too? It worked for me.'
'Brilliant! I know just the names!

...Oh, I have an even better idea! Instead of doing the straightforward two names thing - cause y'know you did that already and I don't want to infringe on your turf - I'll just squish the two names together! What do you think? =D'
'... Good luck with that. 8D'

The authors part. A faint snicker may or may not be heard.